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May 18, 2013

Today marks 6 months from the day we lost our baby girl.  November 18th.  November 18, 2012 was a day that changed our lives forever.
At 32 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, who knew that something like this could have happened to us?

Defiantly not me.

At the time we were far to consumed with making sure her nursery was complete, marveling over all of the fantastic gifts that I had received at my baby shower, planning for the Holidays and anxiously awaiting her arrival to worry or even think that something could go wrong.  To this day I still have flashbacks and relive the moments of that day and the days to follow.  At the time, in the hospital I know I was in a state of shock and denial, I was also sedated.  It is somewhat blurry to me but I still relive certain moments like it all happened yesterday.  At times, it still feels like it did happen yesterday.  Unfortunately, I do have a few regrets which will haunt me my whole life... I blame it on the shock, the fear and the sedation.  I regret not undressing Madison and examining her body, I regret not having the photographer come to the room to take more pictures of us and her,  I wish I wasn't scared to hold her.

Sometimes I recite "I saw you in a dream" to myself.  The beautiful words are so real.  A dream,  is the perfect way to describe it.  I dreamt of you before you were born, I still dream of you and always will.
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