I saw you in a dream...

 Madison Sophia Young

Born into Heaven

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I saw you in a dream

Before you were real

I can't explain the way I feel

Don't ask me to try

It makes my heart cry

Love created the seed that attached itself to my heart

The seed became a life

To me became a part

The mystery of how it begins we will never know

What makes a seed begin to grow

What makes a heart begin to beat

Growing little hands and little feet

What makes it look like you or me

Is simply just a mystery

The cosmic force that makes me whole

Is bound up in your little soul

You hold my hand from inside out

I feel you turn and dance about

I don't know what's in God's plan

He took you by your tiny hand

Your beautiful little angle face

Is now a part of time and space

Your purest soul that's ever been

Will never ever be touched by sin

I cry, I weep, I cannot sleep

I think what might have been

Thank you for the joy you bring

Your love I see in everything

Your heart will always beat with mine

Maternal till the end of time

Sunday, November 18, 2012 at 3:00 pm will be a day that changed our lives forever.

At 32 and a half weeks we had to say good bye to our daughter, Madison.

I awoke that morning knowing that something was just not right. I had not felt my usual morning kicks, even after breakfast and tons of orange juice... nothing. As the hours went by that day I frantically did laundry and cleaned the house to try to occupy myself.... I even decided to pack a few outfits in Madison's baby bag to take to the hospital just to be prepared as my due date, January 10th was quickly approaching . As strange as it seems it must have been my maternal instinct. kicking in.  That afternoon I goggled "decreased fetal movement" to try to satisfy my curiousness and that it was normal to not feel any movement as the baby was growing and running out of room. Needless to say around 2:00 I called the on call nurse to explain the situation. She recommended to go to Northside Forsyth and get hooked up to the fetal monitor. She explained that everything would be fine as the baby usually moves as soon as the monitor is turned on.

I remember Mike and I driving to the hospital and listening to the Falcons game on the radio in the car. The anxiety was killing me. I was admitted and brought to a room to change and patiently waited for the nurse. It seemed like a dream as the nurse tried to find something, anything on the monitor as she moved the device over my entire belly.  I kept telling myself to "just breathe".  After what seemed like an eternity the nurse left the room to get the ultrasound machine, she finally returned with three other nurses as well as the on call Dr., Dr. Parker.  We immediately knew that something was wrong.  I can still see the ultrasound picture flash in my head as Dr. Parker took one look at the screen, I saw Madison but could not tell what I was looking for, I was praying for something... anything!  The Dr. turned and looked at us and shook her head.

"Nothing. she said, there's nothing there." These words still echo in my head.

 

At this moment I felt as if I was having an out of body experience. My vision blurred and became spotty, I was barely breathing. My whole body went numb. The look on Mike's face was completely pale and drained...we had no words and I just squeezed his hand. Complete shock, fear, anger, and sadness consumed us. A million questions and emotions all at once took over. "Just breathe" was all I could tell myself. How could this be happening and why did this have to happen to us? Everything was perfect, all of my Dr.'s appointments and tests were normal. How could or precious baby girl be gone?

The following hours are a blur to me and I continue to have flashbacks daily and try to piece together the timeline of all that happened that afternoon.  We had to make so many quick decisions. How would I deliver? Did we want to see our daughter? Would we want an autopsy done? Do we want photos taken? 

After numerous vials of blood were drawn for testing I decided right away that I wanted a c-section done. The Dr.'s advise was to not have a c-section versus an induced vaginal delivery...  the nurses even suggested I go home and think about it!  I knew that I could not bare the thought to be induced and have to wait two days to push out our baby that was no longer with us.  That was supposed to be a happy, joyous occasion that I lay awake at night dreaming about.  I would not have been mentally able to do this. 

The c-section was performed within the next two hours. I had been terrified my whole pregnancy of this moment... an epidural and the delivery, and for some reason, right now I just wanted it over with.  I could not even bare to look down at my belly bump knowing that she was in there,  my stomach was so sick and I wanted the nightmare to be over.  I chose to have an epidural over being knocked out completely so that Mike would be able to be there with me during the surgery.  He looked into my eyes and held my hand the entire time. I could not stop shaking and trembling but he was so strong and continues today to be my rock. 

I was placed in a small recovery room before being taken back to the hospital room where this whole nightmare had began.  We both knew what was next.... that we wanted to see our daughter Madison, my first reaction and gut feeling was no, I did not want to see her. I did not want to by haunted by her lifeless face for eternity but I knew that deep down inside I needed to see her, to hold her. I was terrified.

Madison is real, she is is our daughter.  I felt life inside of me and I needed to hold her, to know that she is real. In my life, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

As she was brought into our room I was beyond shaking and terrified, I didn't think I would be able to hold her but something inside of me, some sort of courage made me do it. She was tightly swaddled in a pink and white blanket with a white crochet hat on her head.  She looked so fragile but I held her so tight waiting for her eyes to open, it just didn't seem real. With Mike by my side I passed her to him, it broke my heart to watch Mike hold his daughter, I know how excited he was to be a dad. Not just any dad...he was going to be the best dad, and I could see the devastation in his face. He was excited about the little things like having the car seat base in his car for her little pink stroller, teaching her to play golf and to fish.

Our daughter is perfect, her little nose, chin and lips so well defined. We peaked under her hat at her dark hair and her ears (she has Mike's ears) and unwrapped her to see her hands, they looked just like mine. She is beautiful.

I am so glad that we had our family and close friends there with us who were also able to see and hold Madison, I want her to know that she is so loved.

Madison spent the night in the hospital room with Mike and I that Sunday night, it was not easy but we would not have wanted it any other way. We wanted her by our side as long as possible, we wish we could have had her longer, held her one last time before we had to say good bye. We only got one night with our beautiful daughter, her lifeless face, body and hands will forever be engraved in our minds and in our hearts.

Monday morning we were surrounded by our family as we said our final good buys to Madison.  Mike and I kissed her and told her that we loved her and she was taken away. Mike followed her out of the room. 

We were discharged from the hospital Wednesday morning, as afraid as I was to go home I knew that we were ready.  Mike had made two trips to the house while I was in the hospital to "ready" the house of anything that would possibly upset me.  I don't know how he had the strength to do this daunting task but I know he did it for me.  Before we walked into the house we set a balloon free that we had in the garage from Madison's baby shower.  We watched it float and drift into the blue sky.  I immediately flew through the door and ran straight back to her nursery.  The door was closed. We stood outside her door and cried together. I had to go inside. As painful as it was in there, her room is so beautiful and Mike and I worked so hard to make it perfect for her.

The next two days flew by as our house was filled with family, friends, and food.  We decided to attend Thanksgiving at Mike's dad's house along with his family, my parents, sister and brother in law.  As hard as it was to attend Thanksgiving this year, we decided to stay positive... we are thankful for our daughter, our angel and we know that she did touch lives.  We are thankful for our health and for our families.

The following day, Friday, November 23rd at 3:00 pm we had a small burial to honor Madison.  Twelve of our immediate family members were there to help tuck Madison into her final resting place.  It gives Mike and I some closure and great comfort to know where she is and that we will see her beautiful face again one day. 

Not a day goes by that I dont think of Madison and wonder what it would be like to see her smile, hear her laugh, say "mommy and daddy" and "I love you", take her first steps and a thousand of the other milestones I dreamt about for our daughter. It is so painful and it is our reality. 

We know that this happened to us as much as it still feels like a dream, and we know that we cannot change this path that God chose in our lives.  We do have the power to stay strong and stay positive.  We know that this is is not the end of the road for us.  We have faith that time will heal us, physically and emotionally. We find encouragement in knowing that there are others that were faced with the same type of loss and have made it through and now have families of their own.  

We long so badly for a family and hope that in the near future we will be able to give our angel a brother or sister to shine down on.