Grieving... it is sometimes described as a "roller coaster" but there are no words to describe the roller coaster that I am on. Some days go by and I am completely fine, I don't know how but we still laugh, I act goofy with Mike and we are "normal"... our kind of normal.
Then, out of no where it's like someone drops a bomb on you and you spin out of control and a wave of emotions take over and you loose complete control. One minute I'm angry that our daughter is gone and I cannot see her or hold her, the next minute I an anxious about how our life will never be the same and how do I go on with day to day activities. It is the strangest feeling to be so out of control of your feelings and emotions. I want to say that we are "OK" and that 90% of the time we are strong and staying positive, I know that is what Madison would want and that she is looking down on us giving us the strenght we need.
We have a wonderful support group that continues to be there for us and checks in on us daily. Mike and I left home ten days ago so that I could travel with him while he works. I needed time to myself, to get away, relax and heal. We have been to St. Augustine, Orlando and Gainesville Florida. Over the past ten days I now have a new found respect for my husband and how hard he works for us, our family, and our future. Sleeping in a hotel away from the comforts of home is not easy for him and I don't know how he's been doing this for so many years. For me though, it has been an escape from reality. Even though everyday I am missing my family and friends, I'm not necessarily looking forward to going home and facing the reality again.
One week from today will be my next hurdle to overcome, our follow-up Dr.'s appointment and hopefully some answers.
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