We are Young

This whole grieving this is so new to me, up until now nobody died, except for my Grandparents. Each day is like a surprise, good or bad. I feel like time has changed me, I can go for days with out tears. Yes, the tears do still flow freely on occasion but it is getting better, I am slowly healing and learning to accept that Madison's existence will forever be in my heart. I have been seeing a wonderful counselor/ therapist by the name of Susan Blank . This women's office is big enough to be a closet but the dim lighting, comfy sofa, and soothing music make it very cocoon like.  I feel very safe in this environment and with this woman. I have spent a total of 2 hours talking to Susan (two sessions) and cannot believe the amount of topics that I have been able to open up to and talk to her about. We discuss my grief, the grieving process and coping techniques. We also talk about my fears and my anxiety, she has shown me breathing techniques for those as well.  ...

The Joy of Being You Take a moment to feel, to sincerely feel, how good life is. Breathe in the magnificent possibilities of this unique place and time. Fully experience the wonderful and amazing fact that you are here. You are alive and aware, and in a position to make all sorts of great things happen. Right now, you have the opportunity for another magnificent day of being you. Life’s immense goodness is yours with which to work. Focus your thoughts on the good and valuable things that are. Focus your heart on the good and fulfilling things that can be. Your existence in this moment, on this day, is nothing short of a miracle. Celebrate the goodness, and commit yourself to spreading it far and wide. Feel the rich, authentic joy that is the joy of being you. Now, on this day, let it flow out into all you know, and see, and do. — Ralph Marston http://greatday.com

I survived my first week back at work.... Barely (I only worked three days but it felt like a whole week) The first day back was filled with tons of emotion, anxiety, and also fulfilment. It feels like time had literally stopped for me while everyone and everything just kept on ticking. It's the strangest feeling in the world. My close group of ladies have been so helpful and welcoming. I was given this beautiful bracelet to signify strenght and have worn it for the past three days.

Just a sample of where my head is at these days... I'm standing in line to return a movie at the Redbox kiosk. I get to the machine to insert my rental only to find out that I am putting an empty case into the box.  Yes, I left home to return a movie and left the movie in the DVD machine.... really! To make things worse I turn around and storm off with the empty case in my hand and everyone is looking at me like I am crazy... including the pregnant woman behind me. I am so frustrated with myself.  On a lighter note, I spend the day with my mom having lunch at Marlow's Tavern, walking around the Avenue and seeing the movie, Silver Linings Playbook. I didn't know much about the movie but saw that it had received eight Oscar nom's so I figured it was worth a watch.  This movie really resonated with me as both of the main characters are going through their own life complications, which are no way related to mine but I could feel for them. Pat, played by Bradley...

I went for my much needed walk yesterday. I somehow managed to walk much further than I had initially anticipated, but it helped to clear my mind and it made me feel good about myself. Even though it started to rain on me I just kept going. On our driveway we have these strange "dry spots" where when it rains they still look dry and light in color. I don't know if something spilt there, maybe oil? On my walk I stumbled across this little dry spot on the sidewalk in our neighborhood that caught my eye. I looked at it and just kept walking.... took a few steps but then turned around for another look. To me, I could not help to think that this little dry spot looks an awful lot like a pair of angel wings. Maybe I'm crazy, I don't know? I never though that i'd be one of those people that saw signs from above on a piece of toast or in a cloud but I also was never one to look for those things. I am beginning to see that there might be some reason that I keep...

Last night I could not sleep, I laid awake missing my nightly baby kicks. I remember how hard it was for me to get comfortable in the bed while I was pregnant as I wasn't supposed to sleep on my back or the fact that I couldn't sleep on my stomach. I am most comfortable sleeping on my stomach and for some strange reason last night I felt guilty for sleeping this way. During my pregnancy I tried every night to sleep on my left side, the side that is recommended for the best circulation. Today I feel pressure, I feel pressure to be normal again. I feel pressure to get back into my normal routine. I feel like I am supposed to wake up one morning and be magically healed and for this pain to go away. I don't know where I am at in terms of the grieving process. I feel like one minute I am ok and the next I cannot breathe or cannot cope with this deep hurt and pain I feel inside. I know I am supposed to accept the fact that Madison is gone and look for something positive out of ...

They're good folks, letting good times roll – rolling with all the punches that the weather and the rest of the country and history throw their way. They are proud people. They are good people. With more culture and heart than most of us other Southerners can lay claim to. I have to admit that I had a preconceived notion that I would not like it here... yes, it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I despise the Saints. Naturally, as I am a Falcons Fan. I've learned that just as you can't judge a book by it's cover, you can't judge a city by it's football team (the aint's) Madison. I see your name everywhere, everyday. I saw that a Madison Street existed on the map and had to walk there, no matter how far it was. Once I got there it took everything in me from not breaking down in the middle of the street. I thank GOD for these daily reminders of you. A few photos from my N'awlins stroll  Saints and Sinners- Bar owned by Channing T...

One night, a few weeks ago, I stood alone outside and asked God for a sign.  I don't usually talk to God or ask for things looking randomly into the night sky but I just needed to know that even though our eyes never met that Madison knew that we love her and that she would know us as her parents when we meet again one day. I asked God to please send me a white bird as a sign to show us that our daughter is ok and that she knows she is so deeply loved. Thank you God for these signs.... . . . A white crane on the golf course  . . . A white owl in our hotel room  . . . A ceramic white bird I saw and bought from an Antique Store in the French Quarter

Whew, it's been a rainy and dreary week in Nawlins. Today, I didn't leave the hotel, it rained all day! I was laying in the bed watching TV and noticed the sunset outside, it was a beautiful shade of pink. I got out of the bed to take a look and noticed a rainbow. Today, of all days this rainbow brought me a sense of peace. We ended up staying in New Orleans for two extra nights for Mike's work and had to switch hotel rooms. I know everything happens for a reason because I doubt that I would have had the same view from our first hotel downtown.  I see Madison is this beautiful wonder and can't help but to think that she had a hand in it.

You know I can't pass up an opportunity for my curiosity to look at homes for sale in the French Quarter. I instantly fell in love with this town home located in the French Quarter. It's so charming, hmmm... is $1,350,000 to much to ask for a 2 bed 2 bath? Take a look....

Welcome to 2013.....2013, the year we were so excited to become parents, have a family and welcome our daughter Madison into the world. When you first find out your "due date" the day is forever engraved in your mind, your body, and your soul. You tell everyone the date and circle every calendar that you own. You count down the weeks until your due date and say it countless times as it's usually the first thing someone asks you when they find out that you're pregnant.  For us January 10, 2013 is that date. There is no guarantee that she would have actually been born on this exact date, but as this date gets closer I can't stop wondering when her actual date of arrival would have been.  January 10th, it seemed like a lifetime away when I saw my first positive pregnancy test on May 4th 2012. I have to say that the 32 and 1/2 weeks that I was pregnant flew by very quickly.... and here we are now into January and I feel this empty feeling inside as I...

  Yes.... this is the extent of our New Years celebration this year. Mom, Dad, Heather and Jeff  joined Mike and I for our traditional New Years Eve Chinese dinner. We usually go out to our favorite hibachi restaurant, but this year we opted to stay in and order delivery. It looked like a small buffet, we ordered way to much food but it made for great leftovers. We all read our fortunes for the upcoming year, except me... we were one cookie short and I chose to forgo my fortune.